[OC] What if the Utah Jazz never lose again?

[OC] What if the Utah Jazz never lose again?

There is no hope. There is no future. There is only Jazz.


I love /r/nba/new

beat the Warriors in a hard fought four game series in the Western Conference Finals

i made it this far before i blew my wad

The Utah Jazz are currently on an incredible run, winning ten games in a row and going from a putrid, well below .500 team, into one that is very much competing for a western conference playoff run. This unprecedented winning streak by the Jazz this season has been a great story for the team and fans of the league, however it has gotten me and other worried basketball philosophers thinking, what if the Utah Jazz never lose another basketball game again?


The Jazz cruise into the All-Star break with a 108-96 win against the Suns. They get a good amount of media coverage over the course of the weekend, including a shout-out from Shaq during the Rising Stars game that makes all Jazz fans very happy. At All-Star Saturday, Mitchell wins the dunk contest with a very solid but not mind-blowing showing. The real fun however, does not await young Donovan at the extravagant Hollywood after-parties, but after the All-Star break. The Jazz continue their dominance with a big win against league goliath Houston. They set a new franchise record for wins in a row with a win against Orlando. They hit 20 against a struggling Pelicans team, but it doesn’t matter. The Jazz are the talk of the entire league. Their run is reminiscent of the 08’ Rockets. Donovan Mitchell is retroactively made an all-star. The entire team is crowned player of the month for February. The unstoppable force the Jazz have become does not end there. Donovan is hungry, Rudy is hungry, Quin is hungry. Their insatiable hunger can only be tempered with one thing. Wins. The Jazz continue the dominance, they hit 30 in a row against the Timberwolves, after an undefeated March, which the entire franchise is named player of the month, making it the first time somebody who was not a player was given the award. The entire league is watching to see if this team can set the league record for wins in a row. All their remaining teams have refused to rest their stars, including Golden State. On April 8th, the Jazz beat the Lakers 115-89, setting the NBA record for wins in a row, and cementing themselves as one of the greatest teams of all time. They close out the season and finish with a record of 54-28 and as the third seed in the west, not having lost since January 22nd. Many analysts have picked the Jazz as their champions going into the playoffs, but many more have still put their faith in the Warriors and Rockets, claiming there is no way this inexperienced Jazz team can tough it out in the playoffs. These heretics are quickly proven wrong. The Jazz sweep the Thunder in the first round, sweep the Rockets in the second, and beat the Warriors in a hard fought four game series in the Western Conference Finals. There is no more denying the greatness of this team, you are either in two camps, the one that believes the Jazz have somehow broken the game of basketball, or that they are somehow cheating. The vocal minority of the cheating crowd has ordered an investigation be done on the Jazz, however the league uncovers nothing, the Jazz are just simply a very good basketball team. After a clean sweep of the Cavaliers in the finals, the Jazz claim their first championship in franchise history, Donovan Mitchell is crowned Finals MVP in his rookie season, and their run is called the best, and most unlikely, story in sports history.


The Jazz enter the summer of 2018 on top of the world. After an undefeated summer league season, they enter free agency not looking to make any waves, despite Kevin Durant offering to sign with them for the minimum. The only move the Jazz decide to make is to sign NBA journeyman Alan Anderson to a minimum deal, in a move that confuses, but is also lauded by, many NBA pundits. In order to counter this Jazz superteam, LeBron signs with the Warriors on a minimum deal and convinces DeAndre Jordan to come with him. Donovan Mitchell, as one of the most famous athletes in the country, is invited to a golf weekend with other legends of the game. He is undefeated over the course of this weekend. The Jazz begin their 2018-2019 campaign with an undefeated preseason, and go 51-0 into the all-star break, with two close wins against the LeBron lead warriors. Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert, and, somewhat surprisingly, Joe Ingles, are all voted into the all-star game that season and the Jazz go on to break the Warriors single season record for wins and have the first undefeated season in NBA history when they win their 82nd game against the Portland Trailblazers. After a 16-0 playoff run, the Jazz are crowned NBA champions once again. Their Biblical dominance has inspired many to adopt Mormonism. LeBron and many other aging stars retire after this season, claiming that there is nothing left for them to do in the face of the unstoppable meat grinder the Jazz have become. The next seasons go similarly, with it being accepted that the Jazz have broken basketball. Every member of their roster is a household name, Donovan Mitchell has been crowned the GOAT, and NBA stars are either retiring, forming super-teams, or attempting to create their own leagues. After 4 undefeated seasons in row, interest in the NBA has dropped significantly. The Jazz have broken basketball and the league, the only hope on the horizon is that one day this core will be too old to compete, however, many believe the NBA will die before this occurs.


The Jazz do not stop. They do not relent. They have forgotten the sting of defeat, the scent of failure. Donovan Mitchell wins an NBA record 20 MVPs, to go along with his 20 championships and Finals MVPs, before retiring and becoming president of the Jazz organization. Mormonism has become the fastest growing religion in the world, with many claiming that God has decided that the Jazz can never lose again. Not even the few basketball experts remaining can prove them wrong. Jazz has also become the most popular genre of music in the country, with Dante Exum being the most popular musician, a career he decided to adopt after his retirement. Fearing that they have destroyed any chance of the NBA reaching the peaks it had once been at the top of, the Jazz create proxy teams in many of the smaller leagues formed due to the Jazz’s dominance. All of these teams go undefeated.


Jazz management have realized the power they have over the world of sports. Their proxy teams have spread to every basketball league, and eventually, every major sports league in the world. The Jazz are no longer simply an NBA team, they are a world dominating organization designed to infiltrate and destroy every sports league in the world. The Jazz create their own universities to enter collegiate sports, where they promptly go undefeated. Every major sports league in the world has been taken over by the Jazz proxy teams. Like a parasite sucking the life from its host, the Jazz destroy nearly sports league in the world. The Jazz eventually become recognized as their own nation, in order to enter, and destroy, the Olympics.


The Jazz have become the most powerful organization in the world. They dominate what is left of the world sports market, but the organization has their sights on something greater. The Jazz begin to enter their own candidates into regional and national elections. Their candidates do not represent any party or ideology, they are simply the Jazz. The people of the world submit to their new Jazz overlords and the Jazz begin to dominate world politics. They have created a worldwide authoritarian regime ruled by the Mitchell royal family. The people are exploited by the organization, they simply exist to feed the incredibly lavish lifestyles the members of the Jazz organization live. Mormonism has become the religion of the world, under the orders of the authoritarian regime, everyone must convert. The original Jazz team still hold a game every year in order to honour their beginnings, where the best players from around the world gather to play in a game of basketball in which the losers are sacrificed to the Mormon god. There is no hope. There is no future. There is only Jazz.

Congratulations /u/phone101, we are in February and you have already won shitpost of the year!

Im glad I was up late enough for this fucking goldmine

There's no better way to browse this sub, tbh.

Jazz fans, you already know who to blame if you lose tomorrow.

Maybe Dad will be proud of me now

Nothing better than a good bedtime story

I love you

Ahh yes I have reached maximum erectness