[Update] My [18] parents keep insisting that I'm gay and I'm getting tired of it.

[Update] My [18] parents keep insisting that I'm gay and I'm getting tired of it.

Link to original post https://www.reddit.com/sub/relationships/comments/4rjhzw/my_18_parents_keep_insisting_that_im_gay....

My first post left me very confused. I had a hard time believing it was possible to be that in denial about my own sexuality. I honestly considered deleting my post and try to forget about it because it just made me so uncomfortable. I didn't delete it but I tried to not think about it and just focused on what I was going to do about the bullying. It didn't really work though and a couple days after I was hanging out with my friend (the guy I asked why everyone thought I was gay) and he asked me about it and I sort of had a melt down. I told him I was confused about everything and that I wasn't sure anymore if I was straight and that his texts and your comments had really screwed with my head. He was great though and managed to calm me down. I felt a lot better after talking to him about it and when I got home I read your comments again and /u/lamamaloca 's comment

Considering your edit, you might want to engage in some self reflection about who you're actually attracted to. I can completely understand why they think you're gay, and this isn't about just engaging in stereotypes. This is about other people noticing signs in you of arousal and interest.

You don't need to tell me these things, but think about them for yourself: what do you think about when you masturbate? Do you get aroused around girls or guys? Who are you drawn to, where does your energy focus? Pay attention to how you feel and how your body responds when you interact with each sex. When you kissed your girlfriend, was it super exciting and physically arousing? How do you feel if you imagine kissing a girl? What if you imagine kissing a guy? To which did your body respond? Maybe both? Also don't discount the possibility of being asexual or demisexual but homoromantic (or possibly heterotomantic), that could make things more difficult to figure out.

The first time I read this comment it literally made me feel sick and the second time it made me feel sick as well. That night I actually took her advice though and for the first time in my life I actually imagined what it would be like to kiss a guy and I'm definitely not straight. I'm not sure if I'm bi or gay but I'm not straight. I've done a lot of reading and exploring after that night and it's been difficult to accept it but I feel like I've come a long way in a short time.

I still think it's weird that I was that deep in denial about it though. My whole life I was 100% sure I was straight and then now I'm 100% sure I'm not straight. It's weird. I told my friend about it a few days ago and he was awesome about it. I knew he would be okay with it but I was still nervous. I haven't told my parents yet and I'll probably wait until I have it more figured out. I haven't decided what to do about the bullying though. I feel like it won't bother me as much anymore and maybe if they see that I don't really care they'll get bored of it. I just hope it doesn't get worse.

I just wanted to update you guys and thank you for your advice and comments. It literally changed my life and I'm not sure how long it would've kept living in denial if it weren't for you guys, so thank you.

tl;dr: Neded advice on how to stop my parents insisting I was gay. Turns out I'm not actually straight.

Good luck on your journey of self exploration. Cut yourself some slack and relax a bit. No one knows who they are at your age, whatever sexual orientation, religious creed, or ethnic background. You can be with boys and girls, you can like some things for awhile and then change your mind to other things- it won't make the things before wrong or right, just different. You are free to explore life, and your internal world is your own. So long as you don't do harm to yourself or others you can grow to be the very best representation of yourself.

No matter who you are or what you do there will be people who love, hate, and are ambivalent about you. You can be the peachiest person but guaranteed there are people who hate jam. Take a moment to find some zen, you're going to be ok.

I told him I was confused about everything and that I wasn't sure anymore if I was straight and that his texts and your comments had really screwed with my head. He was great though and managed to calm me down. I felt a lot better after talking to him about it

Also, props to your friend, he sounds like someone who supports you for who you are and has been there for you in a real way. It's important and wonderful to have friendships like that, you should thank him and maintain that friendship!

It's not necessarily that unusual, friend. I didn't consider the possibility of my being gay until I was 17-19 too, and that was after a four year relationship with a guy. After that ended, I felt free to look, and hey, turns out I'm a lesbian. Still took a few more years of denial to accept it.

There are also people who get married before they realize.

Check out /sub/questioning -- you might find some posts you relate to, and you can get some support from people who've probably been in your shoes. Feel free to shoot me a message too if you want someone to chat to.

Your friend sounds like a good dude. Your family seems accepting as well and that's great! And don't worry, you've got plenty of time to figure out who you are.

For the record, considering your experience with bullying, I don't find it strange at all that you didn't notice your true sexuality. "Gay" has been used as a slur against you, and few people want to associate themselves with a slur (even if you personally have nothing against gay people). It's as if you have tried to distance yourself from the bullying, by telling yourself that what they said wasn't true. That is a defense mechanism and very natural to develope in situatuons like yours.

But good on you for being mature enough to take a long hard look at yourself and learn something new! That is a hard thing to do.

I've got almost 2 decades on OP and I'm still figuring it out...

I hope I am on an endless journey of self discovery. Once you shed the restrictions that some culture, faith, or society has placed on you the world really is your oyster.

I'm the opposite! Only ever dated women. When my last gf left me for my (male) best friend I decided to give cock a try since my other best friend had always loved me and I had always had dl crush on him but never perused because of pressure from the gay community about looking down on pan/bisexual people an d my own neurosis. Yeah, we got engaged a week ago. Lol

Haha you did better than me -- As a female, I still called myself straight after dating a girl for all of high school! She was, obviously, the exception.

Wasn't till about 19 when I started developing crushes on other girls that I realized I was actually bisexual. But I'm still half in denial.

edit: actually - I had crushes on other girls earlier. I just didn't realize it. lol

It's cool. OP - don't be like me.


Bi erasure is literally the worst thing ever. Ok not actually but it PISSES ME OFF!!!

why u think im straight u dont know what I've been through lol

I've been wondering about you, and was really hoping we didn't cause you too much stress. So glad to see this update, just remember you don't have to have it all figured out right now. Good luck in the future!

Damn I wish I was gay, I fucking love oysters.

The worst is when tell people that i'm bi and they automatically put me in the category of fake bi/hippie who refuses to categorize herself. And then i'll casually bring up an ex-gf and someone will be like "WHAATT??? U DATE GIRLS?!!?!?!"

No I just pretend to for the oppression points thanks

Yes, seconding this! He sounds like a great friend who knows what it means to be a friend, and that can be a rare and extremely valuable relationship.

Yeah, he's a great friend. I don't really know what I'd do without him.

Thanks so much! Yeah bierasure, pisses me off to. I struggled so hard with this and I shouldn't of had to. I thought the whole point of the lgbtqia movement was to make all love normal and acceptable, WHY THE FUCK am I being called "hasbian" by one side and confused by the other. And why is it a one drop rule? I have long lasting serious relationships with women but the moment I get interested in a man I'm not "really" queer. Why the fuck c k does it matter??? Grrrr!

I'm so happy to see this update, and very glad to see the outcome. I wasn't hoping for you to be gay, or to be straight - I was just hoping you'd take the advice to heart and do some self-reflection.

I'm so proud of you for how you're handling this. I know it's confusing and maybe a bit frightening, but I agree with everything /u/Hippo_Hockey said in the comments.

Embrace who you are - whoever that may be.

That's a good point. I'm also really stubborn so when the bullying started it just made me more convinced that I was straight because I didn't want them to be right. Reading the comments in this thread has made me feel better too. Apparently it's more normal to be denial about your sexuality than I thought.

Dont worry! You can be straight and still enjoy the oysters! Its a great time to be alive.

Hey, congrats on making steps to figure out who you are, and good luck with continuing that journey!

I have no advice, but you've done a wonderful thing being able to self-reflect like you have.

You're the best. I just wanted to say that. I hope you get much joy and self fulfilment for knowing yourself a little better.

What is this country coming to? Bi-bivalviaphilia? We need a return to the old days, when only gays were allowed to enjoy oysters.

"Gay" has been used as a slur against you, and few people want to associate themselves with a slur (even if you personally have nothing against gay people). It's as if you have tried to distance yourself from the bullying, by telling yourself that what they said wasn't true.

This is so, so, so true. And is exactly the reason why my ex didn't come out as trans until a few years after our relationship. We shared everything together and there were no secrets between us, so when they came out as trans, I was blindsided. Until they explained how even they didn't know they were trans because they were so deeply in denial up until their mid-twenties. No one wants to come out and prove their bullies "right". And denial is a powerful thing.

Don't worry about it too much OP. I had a friend of mine who came out as gay to his parents when he was around your age. Their response was, "We know, love. We've known since you were three. Why do you think we moved away from that tiny narrow-minded village when you were a child?"

I'm sorry you're still being bullied at work. Hopefully they will back off when they realise they're not upsetting you as much as they used to. But bullying sucks. Being an adult is far easier.

Reading this update reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. You know people's coming out stories? Some don't have a big "ah ha!" and reveal. Sometimes it's a trickle and everyone around generally seems to know before you even have a for sure answer yourself. Like you, some family members would make comments about me, though more in a "if you keep up this way you will end up gay!" way than saying they accept me. I didn't know, my friends brushed around it and eventually I told them (like you, in frustration) that when it came down to it I didn't really know if I was straight or not. I played it safe and eventually said I must be bi then, no way was I homosexual! Screw that, if my bullies knew I was anything more they would be relentless towards me! It look me some years to finally realise, took dating a few guys, to realize that hey, I'm a lesbian.

It's alright to not know for sure, some people take a lot of time before really knowing themselves that way and it's alright. You don't have to know immediately, take your time and go with what feels right for you. Don't get pressured to stay one way by others. And lastly, high school can suck for these kinds of things, I know. You know those, "it gets better" promotions the lgbt community had? It does. It gets better. You'll figure it out. Don't stress it.

I fucking love how open-minded Reddit is.

No one knows who they are at your age

I remember this awesome guy we were friends with in highschool, who was so clearly gay but we assumed he was in the closet. When he came out, we were just like "yeah, we know" and he was like "why didn't anybody tell me? I didn't know!"

(most) of Reddit this sub is a good one. Reading these comments makes me so happy.

I'm a clam man, myself.

I am so glad to see a positive update on this! OP you have plenty of time to find yourself, don't worry about it if it takes some time. You seem to already know this, but your friend is amazing. I wish I had a friend like that.

As for the bullying, most schools that I know of have a zero tolerance policy on it, does your school not have something like that? If that is not a route you want to go right now, that is perfectly fine. Just remember, no matter how you deal with the bullies, it is very unlikely that you will ever see them again once you graduate. However, please don't let them ruin anything for you in the meantime though. Usually people bully because they are unhappy themselves, and misery loves company.

Stay badass OP!

edit: actually - I had crushes on other girls earlier. I just didn't realize it. lol

Honestly I think this is a shared experience among non-straight girls. One of my friends is bi and she was the same. Society seems to normalise affection between girls and women so much that it must be difficult for lesbian and bi girls to make sense of their romantic feelings and come to the conclusion that they aren't straight.

Oh man! I'm bisexual, but I didn't start to figure it out until I was about your age, either. I was raised by very religious republicans and didn't even realize I COULD be queer for a very long time.

Calling yourself "not straight" right now is perfect. Or maybe you can use the generic label "queer". I just remember when I was going through what you are going through, I was really desperate to put a name on whatever it was I was feeling. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't spent so much time worrying about what box to put myself in and that I had just paid quiet attention to my feelings.

I'm a woman, so the bisexuality thing is a bit more accepted for me, but it still took me a long time to understand that liking more than one gender is absolutely valid and normal. Just remember that sexuality is messy and sometimes fluid and you don't have to figure it all out right now or even ever, really.

Just keep your mind and heart open to whatever feelings arise. I'm 24 and I only just recently started officially using the label of "bisexual". You have as much time as you need to figure things out, so take it.

Good luck to you!

That's not how it works.

I remember that moment you describe here, the one where you know for sure you aren't straight. A therapist asked me to think about a a Victoria Secret mode and a Calvin Klein model and, after a few seconds, I just blurted out "Oh shit...I'm gay!"

It took me an extra decade and a lot of heartache but I get where you're coming from with your realization. No matter what anyone says, it's entirely up to you and your comfort level and pace as to when and to who you talk to about any of this. It sounds like you have at least one friend who supports you and parents who love you and want the best for you. There's no reason to rush it, so take your time and enjoy learning more about yourself.

Fuuuuuuck, EXACTLY THIS!!!!

Congratulations! Sexuality is a much more complicated spectrum than just Gay or Straight, Black or White, and it might turn out you're another color entirely. Luckily, you know that your parents are accepting of you, and you have a truly fantastic friend from the sound of it.

As far as the bullies go, life after high school really does get better. You'll find your tribe, and more and more people will have your back. Wishing you the best.

You don't need "proof". If you are honest with your headteacher or school counsellor about what people are saying and how much it's crushing you then your words, reactions and emotions will be proof enough.

Teachers are more astute that you realise- they may have noticed the way people treat you and will put two and two together. Be brave and tell someone honestly what is happening.

Even if nothing happens, there is still a paper trail that these people are bullies.

For years, people in your situation would just get their asses kicked. Jesus fucking christ I am so fucking happy that your friends are that helpful.

I mean, is it that crazy to say that this is the first generation of people for whom this has been true?

Don't beat yourself up if you can't fit yourself into a precise category. I'm bisexual, and I still have moments where I feel less attraction for a given gender that day and I wonder "oh god, am I actually not bi at all and just straight/a lesbian?" Honestly, for a lot of people, the amount we're interested in a certain gender can change over time, even from day to day. So just try and stay calm, and don't freak out if you're not 100% sure "what you are."

The first girl I ever crushed on, I didn't even know she was a girl. I thought she was a boy until one day someone called her by her name and it was definitely a girl name. I was so damn confused. Took me about a year and a half later to realize I was bisexual.

I'm a bisexual woman and I didn't figure it out until I was 22. My boyfriend, who is also bisexual, didn't figure out that he wasn't straight until he was 23. You're definitely not alone. It's difficult to undo all the denial and stuff in your head because our society pushes heterosexuality so hard. But you'll eventually figure yourself out and you'll feel a lot better when you do. Best of luck :)

Edit: I just wanted to say that I was bullied by people who thought I was a lesbian when I was younger. So I stubbornly insisted on my "straightness". It made it take me longer to figure it all out. It happens. Hopefully it will be easier for LGBT kids in future generations as society gradually becomes more accepting.

Some things that helped me while figuring things out were watching movies or reading comics with a gay love interest. You could also play Skyrim and marry a man or play a Bioware game (Dragonage, Mass Effect 3, etc.) and choose a male romance option. Exposing yourself to it in that way makes it feel more natural. Because in a video game the focus is on the game itself and the romance plots are just in the background. It's sort of sticking your toe into the water, convincing your brain that it's normal and it's ok, but it's all in the "safety" of your home and your computer. I'm not sure if that made any sense, but it's a thing.

panromantic sounds like a really good kind of pizza

You're what makes it suck by being so fucking ignorant.

/sub/the_donald? /sub/kotakuinaction? /sub/coontown?

Don't beat yourself up. It took me 23 years to accept myself. Some people never do, sadly. Good luck!

I'm really proud of you. This was the best update ever!

It takes a lot of courage to ask for advice and even more courage to really listen to that advice, so for that I salute you.

I live in the bible belt and am much older than you, so I've known a lot of gay men who lived in the closet for way too long. I'm talking about guys who insisted they weren't gay, even to themselves, for years. Some of them have since come out and seem so much happier.

I'm glad you have a good friend and parents who are supportive of you. That makes me so happy. I hope you look into some LGBT support groups or organizations so you can meet other people who have similar experiences.

I've noticed that, too! It's like wow rhis girl is rly cool and i like watching her do pushups but totaly in a friendly bicep appreciation way right??? Lol girls so cute and funny and friends lol

Yea - I'm panromantic, and we get the same problems in some cases. The idea that you can only be interested in one gender only is rather silly.

You didn't read the post, did you?